She came in through the bathroom window

Thank you Beatles lyrics for lending a certain presence to this short blog...

My youngest daughter, Miss C, is 3 years old. Most days she spends her time at home with me. We color, we play dough, we watch cartoons, we read, etc. In and around all of our time together we are working on communication, responsibility, and understanding. And by this I mean, not whining or yelling, not saying "Stop!" at the top of our lungs, and picking up the 50 million tiny pieces of paper littering the floor after "cutting craft hour" : )
While child # 2 was taking a bath I thought it would be nice to have the little one help me clean up the girl's bedroom a bit. So I took in a big rubber "tub" to fill with the overflow dirty clothes currently smooshed up on the closet floor. After she figured out that sitting on a stool in the closet while trying to throw the clothes behind her head in to the bin wasn't actually going to work, we had a great time, and she was quite enthusiastic.
The funny part of this story was when it came to her time to take a bath. I usually have the girls put their clothes in the laundry basket and then scoot on in to the bathtub. Except that this time the basket was still in the basement, leaving only the "tub" mentioned above. Unfortunately for the communication portion of our learning, she thought when I said to put her clothes in the tub, I meant the BATHTUB!! Poor girlie, she kept going back and forth from the bedroom to the bathroom, dirty clothes in hand, with a completely confused look on her face! When I finally figured out what the issue was(a little slow on the uptake!) she was able to put her clothes up and hop in the correct tub!

Just another little snippet of an average day in my mommy life!

Merry Music Makers

A slightly cheesy favorite of both my husband and I! Mariah, you really used to rock it!




Oh, Judy, your golden voice is truly missed when I think about this song and all the versions made. This one can always make me teary eyed.



With the Advent season in full swing, my mind is always drawn back to this song from Amahl and the Night Visitors by Menotti. The mother sings "All that Gold", desperately asking if rich people know what to do with their gold. I don't wish to be disparaging of people who have more than I, rather this song helps me to remember to cherish and make the most of what I have in this moment.

Happy Advent, all.

H-A-double L-O-double U-Double E-N Spells Halloween!

So, here it is, for the 2 people following my blog-some Fall pics from us to you!

We:
Visited with Great-Grandma Isabel
Went trick-or-treating with friends
Ate dinner at 8pm at Subway
Crashed!!!
(and I only ate about 5 or 6 pieces of the girl's candy-I think that's an improvement)

xo,

E

ps-there are also some pumpkin gutting pics for your viewing pleasure...although we never actually got around to carving them...

A pot, A pan, A book, A HAT!

2nd Sewing Project!

It's a little tight around the forehead, but other than that I think it's pretty good for a beginner! Now I need to work on one size up for big sister!

Sew, how are you?

Dat dat da daaaaa! *flash bulbs exploding* *applause* *astonished faces-first being my mom!*
I just completed a Sewing Basics class tonight. Me and Russian girl. She was very nice, but thought I talked a bit too much. ANYWAY!!!!That is completely beside the point! For the first time since 7th grade home ec. class-(Hi Eric. P. you stupid knee punching bastard)-I sat my ass down in front of a sewing machine and didn't cry!!! In fact, I made a snazzy new kelly green "tote" that will probably be donated to the girl's growing "bag, purse, ensemble" collection due to lack of hand-eye coordination in the stitch department. I would post a picture tonight but in my food-starved haze I only grabbed the necessities from the car this evening-hard cider and mini quiches! I'll take some shots of the bag tomorrow and add them to this little ditty.

Reasons why this class made my day:
Number 1: Made me not afraid of my lovely, charming and talented Viking sewing machine

Number 2: Has inspired me to make cozies for every appliance in the house

Number 3: Helped me get over my fear and shame of creating a windsock entirely opposite the directions given to me in 7th grade

Number 4: Has justified my somewhat impulse buy of my lovely, charming and talented Viking sewing machine

and Number 5: Means I can finally hem all my pants!!! Take that, Size 8 longs!

Now on to Julia Child cooking!! (At least I know a bit more about cooking than sewing!)

Holdfast

I remember when I was a child my parents and I went to the Monterey Bay Aquarium in Monterey, Cali. Of all the zoos and aquariums I have visited, the giant kelp beds there made the most lasting impression on me.

To look up, up, up, as if you were stretching your neck to heaven, seeing the fronds at the very top, waving silently, in stoic and wise fashion...that was, to me, the most peaceable kingdom. The holdfast, the stipe and the fronds; that is the anatomy of the kelp. I love the idea of the "root structure" being called a holdfast. Its very word structure evokes strength. In truth, the kelp don't receive nutrients from the roots-they gather it from the fronds where they can complete photosynthesis at the top of the water. Maybe I am like that sometimes, especially now because I need something to anchor me, a word, a phrase, a paradigm.


I am no longer working. I used to work 40 hours a week, 8-5, day in, day out. Now I am at home, trying to figure things out. My older daughter is in kindergarten and we recently dropped her after school care so I am picking her up right after school. My youngest daughter has moved to 1/2 days in preschool...All this in an effort to save money/help me have more time with my girls. I would like to say I deal with change well, or at all, but I have a terrible time with it. I usually end up stuffing things down until they come up either literally, as in throwing up, or technically, in conversations with people. Not good. So I am making a concerted effort to do as the kelp does. Anchor myself but not always look down. Looking up I see where I receive my nourishment, my support, my life, my health-from the faces of my children, my husband, and the few people I let into my life.

I/We

I :

don't want to be crafty in the usual way.  Cut out the felt animals, the cute scarves, I want practical, I want wood involved sometimes, maybe some welding.I want to create pjs for my darlings, and I don't want a pin cushion that looks like a lighthouse(thank you Joanne crafts for that one.)  Not saying I want to be different how everyone else is different or any of that shit, I just can't conform to or create all those cute little items I see all around me via internet and craft stores.  Thank goodness I live in a city where roller derby is considered a sport for moms, and black is sold at fabric stores just as much as pink is.

 have my first sewing 101 class coming up in a couple weeks and I have to say, I'm feeling a bit lightheaded.  That may just be the beer, or it could be that I feel like I am actually going to learn how to thread the flippin' bobbin and needle at the same time and correct the timing and make something for heaven's sake!  I'm not asking for the world, here, just a potholder, maybe, and some of those aforementioned pajamas.  I also covet oilcloth tablecloths-whether they need sewing or not remains to be seen.  i would also like to join in one of my former college roommate's claases at Bolt, a great Portland fabric/sew shop.

We:

are getting prepared for the harvest/halloween/fall season here at Chez Hoyt.  Little black and orange ribbons are creeping into the house via my purse, glittery bats and happy pumpkins await hanging by my lovely, talented husband.

baked some colorful leaf sugar cookies today, I and my girls.  I love feeling above my depression and anxiety enough to say that I loved doing something with my children.  That may sound strange to some of you, but for those of you who have struggled with psych. issues, it is like breathing in the freshest smells after being locked in a moldy basement when you can actually feel like a functioning, somewhat happy person.  I will take these things as they come, and I will put them in my heart.

I:

am unemployed.

am growing my hair out.

don't like sweet potato chips anymore, which saddened me a little the other day.

don't understand why Noggin/Nick Jr. has to keep flip flopping it's name.

would like to tune my guitar up and show it to the girls.  and play it.

That's most of the world from where I am.

Kickin in it Kindergarten

Where has the time gone? She's in Kindergarten! Thriving like a good little tomato should.

attack of the killer tomatoes!

Okay, so since my last post was all doom and gloom, I thought I'd recount some of the lighter side of my life:

I had to do a little grocery shopping tonight at FM and was looking for some tomatoes for salad-time when I noticed a disturbing thing-all the tomatoes I could find were either from Ohio, Canada or Mexico. Now, while I do not begrudge free enterprise, trade or the like, I also want to support my local growers here in Oregon. Maybe it's the fact that I've been here for too long and the hippies have finally gotten me, or because we grew an ass-ton of tomatoes in our little raised bed gardens at our old house last year and I was hankering for some home-grown goodness...Whatever the case, I was not pleased with the selection. Then, after careful searching, I found some beautiful little cherry tomatoes grown in Eugene at 'Ladybug Farms'. Yay!! So I picked up a pack of them suckers and took off for some other pillaging.

The quest for tomatoes got me thinking about something my eldest asked me the other day-'Mom, why are tomatoes fruit?' I racked my brain and couldn't remember the reason why, sorry 7th grade biology! So in the absence of true knowledge I did what any 20th century fool would do and turned to Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tomatoes. See the section about vegetables/fruit.

Tomato tidbit-my littlest one, into shunning anything that can be classified as a vegetable, now enjoys the cherry tomatoes put in her salads-this makes me happy, and makes me think of the song by Pink Martini, "Hang on, Little Tomato".

The sun has left and forgotten me
It's dark, I cannot see
Why does this rain pour down
I'm gonna drown
In a sea
Of deep confusion

Somebody told me, I don't know who
Whenever you are sad and blue
And you're feelin' all alone and left behind
Just take a look inside and you will find

You gotta hold on, hold on through the night
Hang on, things will be all right
Even when it's dark
And not a bit of sparkling
Sing-song sunshine from above
Spreading rays of sunny love

Just hang on, hang on to the vine
Stay on, soon you'll be divine
If you start to cry, look up to the sky
Something's coming up ahead
To turn your tears to dew instead

And so I hold on to his advice
When change is hard and not so nice
You listen to your heart the whole night through
Your sunny someday will come one day soon to you

And last but not least, why did Heinz have to take the pickle off of its bottles of ketchup and replace it with a tomato? Everybody knows ketchup comes from tomatoes, except maybe people who spell it katsup and think it comes from the bloodied pulp of cats....maybe that's just me....Anyway, my eldest, referenced above, made this observation to me, and did not like the replacement of the pickle. She loves pickles and sees it as somewhat of an affront. I sort of agree with her.

All for now.

No, no no!

I'll be honest. Why not? I am not having a good time. I am not having an easy time. In fact, time and I are not friends right now. I have taken the BFF necklace life gave me and pawned it. I actually screamed every obscenity I know while driving in my car, windows rolled down, to go get my girls from preschool. Why was I doing this? Because I am not having an easy time, and because some strange man decided to wander about the intersection of se 82nd and Foster tonight, looking for the convenience store. Intelligence abounds.
Oh, and I'm sure all this anger/sarcasm/despondency has something to do with other things going on in my life that I feel absolutely no control over. Yay for life! Good job! Way to throw things at me that I can't handle.
I used to hear a bible verse that goes something like, god will never give you more than you can handle. Well, I don't know about any invisible hand tipping the scales out of my favor or anything, but I am feeling like that verse needs a good kick. More than I can handle. I'll show you more than I can handle. Grrrr. Just take a good look at my life.
Not that I tell anyone openly about my life-mainly because I only really talk to one or two people a day outside of work, and two, because I have either managed to alienate my friends, or I operate from an outdated coping mechanism called social anxiety!!!!!
Maybe I'll convince my husband we all need to join the Peace Corp, or a vegan commune, or a religious cult. Or maybe I'll go soak my head. Flip a coin.

Familia

"A Better Son / Daughter"
-Rilo Kiley

Sometimes in the morning i am petrified and can't move
Awake but cannot open my eyes
And the weight is crushing down on my lungs i know i can't breath
And hope someone will help me this time
Your mother's still calling you insane and high
Swearing it's different this time
And you tell her to give in to the demons that possess her
And that godnever blessed her insides
Then you hang up the phone and feel badly for upsetting things
And crawl back into bed to dream of a time
When your heart was open wide and you loved things just because
Like the sick and the dying

And sometimes when you're on you're really fucking on
And your friends they sing along and they love you
But the lows are so extreme that the good seems fucking cheap
And it teases you for weeks in its absense
But you'll fight and you'll make it through
You'll fake it if you have to
And you'll show up for work with a smile
And you'll be be better you'll be smarter
More grown up and a better daughter
Or son and a real good friend
And you'll be awake and you'll be alert
You'll be positive though it hurts
And you'll laugh and embrace all your friends
And you'll be a real good listener
You'll be honest you'll be brave
You'll be handsome you'll be beautiful
You'll be happy

Your ship may be coming in
You're weak but not giving in
To the cries and the wails of the valley below
Your ship may be coming in
You're weak but not giving in
And you'll fight it you'll go out fighting all of them...

In a Month...

In a month I'm going to watch you wake up in the usual way, eat your breakfast in the usual way, buckle up in the car in the usual way. But that's where normal ends and down the rabbit hole we go. You will be starting kindergarten. A garden of/for children. Little cabbages and carrots, squash and tomatoes all in pretty little rows and fields. You will not be a carrot because you do not have flaming red hair like I did going into K. You will not be a squash, even though they do have loverly blooms. No, you'll be a beautiful stalk of corn. Or maybe an heirloom tomato. The corn, well, because you are already so tall for your age, your hair is always waving madly about your face, and you blow about in the wind but your roots are always firmly planted, albeit stubbornly, in the dark earth.
I can't wait for you to experience the smells and sights and sounds of your new school. Chalk dust, freshly waxed floors, cafeteria food, brand-new bookbag/lunchbag plastic smell...Lockers, school libraries, gymnasium floors, the cacophony of 400 or so little voices all clamoring at once...
Although I know there will be all these new and wonderful things for you to explore and experience and interpret and file away in your brain for dinner time conversation, I worry. I think, will you cry? Will you like your teacher? Will you be challenged academically and socially and mentally? Will the kids be nice? Will you make friends? Will I just keep worrying every day until they put that graduation cap on your head? Or will you do exactly as I know you will...
Yes, something more like that. Your head will spin, your eyes will light up, your feelings and thoughts will find their voice, your hand will find anothers to hold, and you will be fine. More than fine, actually. You will thrive...A little water, a little sunlight, lots of tender love and attention from mom and dad, teachers and friends, and you will grow so tall and so healthy and so fruitful. I can't wait.
Well, maybe another month...

Going over the edge

I read a series of books in the mid 90's written by Terry Pratchett. They were science fiction/fantasy and I loved every single one of them. His description of how the world in the physical sense ends always helped paint a vivid picture for me of the world his characters were living in. The planet was called Discworld, and it was a flat disc on top of a giant turtle, floating through the galaxy. Water just flowed off the edge of the world, endlessly.
Sometimes I wish the world were flat so I could just walk in a straight line all the way across it, double back, and then walk over the edge, down the waterfall, just to see what lies beyond it.
Or maybe it could be like the world of The Little Prince, a round world that he walked around and around. I haven't read that book or been read that book in so long that I can't remember much more than the cover-a little boy in a blue shirt, broom in hand, defying gravity.

Part Two

The End is Near

As a child I had some exposure to religious fanaticism, some experiences in the church, some outside. I can't recall if I ever saw someone holding a sign saying "The End is Near!", but I sat through enough Sunday school classes with topics like "The Rapture" and the book of Revelation to know that some people just can't seem to wait for the end of times.
I remember how a good friend of mine in college and I used to email back and forth and trade song lyrics-often the songs of U2 would come up. They have a song I remember as including the words, "You were acting like it was the end of the world." Now, whether or not someone can actually predict the end times (Nostradomous, The National Enquirer, etc.), is of little concern to me. I have enough going on in my day to day life that when or how the world stops or my time on it ends does not make much of a difference.
How I live my life, however, is another thing altogether...

Part one

A psalm

My life goes on in endless song
Above earths lamentations,
I hear the real, though far-off hymn
That hails a new creation.

Through all the tumult and the strife
I hear its music ringing,
It sounds an echo in my soul.
How can I keep from singing?

While though the tempest loudly roars,
I hear the truth, it liveth.
And though the darkness round me close,
Songs in the night it giveth.

No storm can shake my inmost calm,
While to that rock Im clinging.
Since love is lord of heaven and earth
How can I keep from singing?

When tyrants tremble in their fear
And hear their death knell ringing,
When friends rejoice both far and near
How can I keep from singing?

In prison cell and dungeon vile
Our thoughts to them are winging,
When friends by shame are undefiled
How can I keep from singing?

-Doris Plenn

Evolution

Charlie Darwin

Set the sails I feel the winds a’stirring
Toward the bright horizon set the way
Cast your reckless dreams upon our Mayflower
Haven from the world and her decay

And who could heed the words of Charlie Darwin
Fighting for a system built to fail
Spooning water from their broken vessels
As far as I can see there is no land

Oh my god, the waters all around us
Oh my god, it’s all around

And who could heed the words of Charlie Darwin
The lords of war just profit from decay
And trade their children’s promise for the jingle
The way we trade our hard earned time for pay

Oh my god, the waters cold and shapeless
Oh my god, it’s all around
Oh my god, life is cold and formless
Oh my god, it’s all around

-by The Low Anthem

like water on a rock

Ever heard Rufus Wainwright sing "Across the Universe" by The Beatles? Well, what are you waiting for? Heard Fiona Apple's cover of it that played in the movie "Pleasantville"? It's on YouTube...

I sit here looking out our dirty spare bedroom window listening to this and other Beatles covers from the soundtrack "i am sam". Never saw the movie, but I am just a little more than slightly in love with the Beatles. I looked up what "Jai guru deva om" means, and not only am I embarrased to say I thought he was saying something about Jackaroo, which was a book I read in junior high(as improbably as that may be), but it is Sanskrit. Oops.

On 4 February 2008, at 00:00 UTC, NASA transmitted[2] "Across the Universe" in the direction of the star Polaris, 431 light years from Earth. The transmission was made using a 70m antenna in the DSN's Madrid Deep Space Communication Complex, located outside of Madrid, Spain. It was done with an "X band" transmitter, radiating into the antenna at 18 kW.

This was done to celebrate the 40th anniversary of the song's recording, the 45th anniversary of the Deep Space Network (DSN), and the 50th anniversary of NASA. The idea was hatched by Beatles historian Martin Lewis, who encouraged all Beatles fans to play the track as it was beamed to the distant star. The event marked the first time a piece of music had ever been intentionally transmitted into deep space, and was approved by Paul McCartney, Yoko Ono, and Apple Records.[3] (The first musical interstellar message was "1st Theremin Concert to Aliens", section 2 of the Teen Age Message.)

Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup,
They slither while they pass, they slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my open mind....

What was Lennon's world-and how did all those thoughts/feelings/moments/images not change it? He surely dug transcendentalism and meditation...did those things really drift through his mind, leaving nothing permanent behind?

I want to make more time to meditate. I have a tendency to think of things clinically, and not fluidly. I can't explain the difference very well, but it feels like the difference between strolling on a beach or running on hot coals.

Wu wei:literally meaning without action. Wei wu wei: action without action. Often paralelled with water-soft and weak but it can carve out stones and flow unendingly.

Circling...

Depression-sometimes it's a disease, sometimes it is a scavenger. It senses the dread, the weariness, the hopelessness, the despair, the anguish, it circles, and it finds the carrion. Your dreams, your hopes, your sense of self, your ability to see the future clearly, all the treasures and loveliness and wonderful sounds and scenes of your life...she finds it, this bird.

So what do I do? I put on a head scarf-you can't touch my mind. I wear a cloak-no pecking at my heart. I keep my eyes open-look out. I turn my head-too quick for you. I breath deep and find a change of scenery.

I will continue to try to elude you, scavenger. I will run through water, I will swim through sand. I will fly in mud and climb stairs of clouds. You will never really have me. Claim me. My mind is my own. I may always struggle with depression, with anxiety...and all the complexities tied to these "diseases". That's okay-if I can spend the rest of my life embracing and embellishing who and what I am. Not trying to escape it...

Potty Mouth

Abigail was a dream during potty training. One day she just decided to go to the bathroom, clean herself up, and only use big-girl underwear. That was almost 3 years ago and she has been going strong ever since.
Charlotte, on the other hand, has been a completely different story. A beautiful story, but not at all like her big sister! She is 2 1/2 and doing really well in the bathroom department, only using pull-ups at night when(I can imagine) it would be hard to remind your body to hold it for 10 hours straight! (I, on the other hand, wake up at least once a night to pee, waaaay more when I was preggers!)

A few highlights of the potty-saga for Miss Char:
This past weekend we went to the park. Charlotte was doing really well until up to the very end. Then she started hopping around and looking a bit desperate. I asked her if she needed to go potty and she kept telling me no. The next thing I know, we're beginning to walk back to the house, still in the park, though, and she does a little squat maneuver and pees all over the bark chips. She looks up at me, totally bewildered and I'm sure embarrassed, and says "Mommy, I peed on a stick." I looked down and said, "You sure did, but look at how clean you kept your legs!" We then walked back(well, waddled)home and promptly took a bath!
The other two delightful instances happened at home. The 1st one I had jumped in the shower while hubby was at Mass, leaving the girls to play for 10 minutes in their bedroom. Not usually a big deal. But apparently when the bathroom door is closed halfway, Charlotte took that as a No Vacancy sign, and peed all over her bedroom/hallway floor. I was alerted to this fact mid-rinse by Abigail yelling her head off into the door "Charlotte peed on the floor!!!!". This child has a future on the stock market floors...good lungs and always to the point.
2nd time the girls had just gone to bed when Charlotte started whining she had to go potty. So Zakk and I asked Abigail if she would take her in the bathroom. The helpful big sis obliged and we assumed all was well. Until Abigail started yelling something down the stairs I couldn't quite hear. But then it became very, VERY clear. Charlotte had not managed to put the lid up before going potty. Not only was there pee on the floor and in the potty, there was pee all over the seat, on the little potty chair she used as a stool, and all over her. All I could manage between grunting and sweating, crouched on the floor cleaning was "Charlotte, Rule #1 of going potty is to have the lid up, okay, honey?"

The saga continues...

Only You

This is just one photo to remind me of the joys I have found with my two daughters. Growing up an only child was definitely not the easiest at times, and I'm sure having siblings is not always easy, either. But I love to look at my two girls and hope that for their future they can continue to share the heartaches, the joys, the struggles and the love they are already learning about, together.

I am one lucky momma.

And it's all a part of growing up...

So, what's new?
Well, we are finally getting better"on track" with our financials...thanks to Zakk and 'Mint'. I know it may seem impossible that a family of 4 with two people working full time could not hold on to a semi-middle class budget but, well, there you go...

Our family is going to be moving to the lovely neighborhood of Sellwood in the not too distant future. I am excited to be making a change, even though it seems like we just moved into our beautiful Victorian in North Portland! This new place is closer to my work, and with Abigail starting Kindergarten in the fall, it puts us in a good distance from both the girl's schools. We will be right by a large park which makes the 5 pounds of winter weight on me happy! Walk it!

We had a local moving company come out and look over the house to give us an estimate on all of our stuff... and that leads me in to another thing I want to report: we are FINALLY streamlining our home, as in-if it's not nailed to the floor and/or providing a useful function, get it the hell out! Goodwill has been blessed with quite a few items, as well as Craigslist and Ebay-we won't be undersold!!

That's it for now. Maybe I'll post some pictures tonight if I'm not totally worn out from picking up the girls, driving home, getting dinner on the table, giving baths, reading stories, and making sure everyone who is NOT fully potty trained has used the bathroom before bed time(Sampson.....)

Shut the F@#k up!

Okay, and with that overly dramatic title you're probably wondering what the hell I'm getting ready to write about. Well, people. I deal with people all day-customers, doctors, nurses, practitioners, insurance companies, co-workers, medical staff, etc. The thing I am running into is how to keep my mouth shut while still staying true to myself. See, I am really good at being a yes-man on the phone and a lot of times in person. I am agreeable with the people I deal with all day at my job, but that, I have been finding out, is just a way to keep up an unhealthy practice that does not allow me to say what I think/feel/want, etc.
Like take today for example. I got a call from two higher ups about a patient who was upset with me and said I was a liar. Now, the last time I was blatantly called a liar by someone who was not a family member or friend, I had an asshole professor in college tell me I lied about turning in a paper-which, by the way, I did NOT lie about! I turned the damn thing in-I can't help it if he was a completely scatterbrained pig of a teacher. ugh. (ps-I ended up getting a B in his class all because of that "missing" paper-surprised he didn't turn me in to the term paper Nazis.)
Anyway, this person who said I lied about something had only one week ago, gone on a tirade(via phone) about how we live in a socialist society, that giving tax money to help people in need was wrong and that all people who couldn't make as much money as he could should basically rid the world of their personage. Now, the polite, tactful, customer service oriented Erin just sort of laughed it off and steered the person back to the task at hand, whatever it happened to be at the time. The real me wanted to tell him that he was speaking in an offensive manner and that I would rather be a socialist, bleeding heart liberal than a capitalistic asshole!
Whatever. Point is, when you get me on the phone at work I will be as genteel as a belle, but please do not expect to get my real thoughts on issues while at work.
Oh misguided patients who think my main goal in life is to smile and nod at them.
Wake up!

Whatnots

For some reason the crazy, cranky, unpredictable weather in PDX has a way of making me smile. Maybe it's that the changes are constant, an unlikely pairing, or maybe it's because it reminds me of my moods-see above. Today it has been sunny, rainy, windy, it has hailed, and I head a burst of thunder not too long ago.

I have found that odd phone calls always come in threes here at work. Much like celebrity deaths. Always in threes. If only two people have passed on, well, wait for the next copy of US Weekly to come out and you'll have your trinity. As a note to that thought, there is an 80% chance of one of the phone calls being a pre-recorded solicitation. So far I need to refinance my house, buy a house, buy a forclosed house, stop my house from being forclosed on, buy a car warranty, subscribe to DISH network, get out of debt, get out of debt fast, and eliminate all my debt with one easy call. I can find out what wonderful things are waiting in store for me in a free trip to the Islands(which ones they're refering to, I'm not sure), and more than once my future, I've been told, can be secured with one simple phone call to sign up for one simple seminar...

That's all for now, folks. Just some minor musings.

It's not Mastercard

Waffles for breakfast
Snuggle time on the couch
Playing one-on-one on the floor with the littlest one while big sister goes to ballet practice
dinner at the overlook cafe
car ride doing the usual architectural tour of PDX
chatting with the husband about the future
playing with the flashlight and light board in the tent with the girls before bed...
all these things are priceless

Communion

"And the deepest level of communication is not communication, but communion. It is wordless. It is beyond words, and it is beyond speech, and it is beyond concept. Not that we discover a new unity. We discover an older unity. My dear, we are already one. But we imagine that we are not. And what we have to recover is our original unity. What we have to be is what we are."

a closing prayer by Thomas Merton

Outside In

Driving home tonight I looked at my two wonderful daughters in the rearview mirror and got one of those elusive snapshots of them immortalized forever in my brain, me on the outside looking in.

It is a rare moment when I can see my children 'objectively'; at least as much as motherly possible! Usually I am correcting grammar, laughing, telling one to be more quiet, asking the other one to take her thumb out of her mouth and talk to me, blithely unaware that life is happening to me at that very moment.

Seeing them, one, two, looking at me, me seeing them looking at me, as their mother, that was a good moment, a good day.

Lovely

John Waterhouse

Smile Deux

Smile One

Garden Gnomes make me smile.

Love

dance 101

I am a wallflower. I stand at the back of the room, blending in with the scenery, hoping not to be noticed. I am also a hypocrite. I want to be seen, talked to, danced with so desperately that it practically sweats out of my pores. But all the hairpins fall out of my up-do and you never see me at all. You just walk around smiling at people, happy in the knowledge that you can leave me at the table-we didn't come together as a date.
I guess that was reverse karma for not going to the dance with my future husband. I hope not to make the same mistake in the future's past.
Life feels like a dance sometimes.
Choose a partner with dry palms.
Drink horrid punch you wish was spiked.
Smile like you mean it.
Go alone, leave alone.

Maybe it's just me.

Down the rabbit hole once more

Twas brillig, and the slithy toves

Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!"

He took his vorpal sword in hand:
Long time the manxome foe he sought—
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
And stood awhile in thought.

And as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!

One, two! One, two! and through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.

"And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!"
He chortled in his joy.

'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

'The Jabberwocky'
-Lewis Carroll


ps-Tim Burton is reported to be working on a live-action/CGI version of A in W. for 2010. yipee!

Wisdom of the 4 year old

Abigailisms for the week:

"I can't eat the pizza without the cheese on top!"(wailing and crying commenced)

"Well I'm just not going to talk to you!"

"Maybe her poop is frozen inside her."(Referring to her younger sister during a particularly fun potty training incident)

"Barack Obama is our boss at the White House. He uses pens, not markers. They don't use markers at the White House. (I then asked her how she knew that and she said): I just know that he wouldn't. He's the boss."

and does everyone remember the words to Jingle Bells that go like this "Joy to the world, something something something. We bar-b-q'd her head! mumble, mumble, mumble, Barbie, something something, flushed her down the potty..."??
Well, I do, because my sweet Abby decided to sing it while on the way to preschool today.

When I asked her not to sing those lyrics because they weren't very nice, she proceeded to do this "de darbqued der dead! de dlushed der down da dotty..."
-See how smart she is??

Aack!

My momma don't sew!

Okay, so I'm kind of copying the last theme from a dear friend's blog post. But it has been festering inside of me and I feel all kerfloobeldy now-I WANT TO SEW!!!!!

I have a sewing machine that I bought from a lovely woman at JoAnn's last year. It has been sitting upstairs, lonely, dusty and confused for several months now. I read the instruction manual, I bought a pretty helpful book, but now I think I've done something to the tension and it's all wonky! It isn't computerized(I ain't got no money for that!), and since the last thing I sewed was an inside-out windsock in the 7th grade, I'm a little concerned for its future use! I even signed up for a class at the craft store that would go over the basics and hopefully give me some dummy-proof guidance. UNFORTUNATELY, I missed the class because I wrote the time down wrong. Urghh! So now I am afraid to take the plastic cover off and brave re threading it, retuning it and figuring out what the hell I did to the tension! Somebody save me from myself!! I want to be cool, I want to be kitsch. I want to make quirky little animals and hip, vintage aprons and snuggly pillows...
Will my dreams come true? Will I find a way to conquer my fears? Will somebody please help me figure this damn thing out?!

Tune in next time for a second exciting installment of U 2 Can Sew.

-E

Family Stone

I know having a family is a choice. But I also know that raising children and maintaining a healthy family unit is one of the most difficult jobs I have ever undertaken, and that having help along the way is the only way to thrive, not simply survive. I recently became involved in a movement here in Portland to bolster support for state-wide and national awareness of the need for paid family leave. I believe this is just one more way to support the individual needs of the child, the combined needs of the parents, and the more reaching goals of community and global support.
As I look on my own two children, my husband, and all the people who support and love us, I see our ties reaching further than our own home, our own city. Families make up our world. Please support them.

Black Bird

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Black bird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
all your life
you were only waiting for this moment to be free

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

-Blackbird by The Beatles

Both my girls heard this song not long out of the womb. Abigail and I would sit in the rocking chair in her nursery and I would sing to her or hum the tune and it always seemed to calm her down. Charlotte heard it as well, sitting on the couch through many a long night nursing.
I hope they will remember it when they get older. I know I will always remember those times with them.

blue bird

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chilliest land
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

-Emily Dickinson

Fambly

Here are a couple pictures of Great-Grandma Mead, Aunt Pam, and the rest you probably already know. These were taken before Christmas at our house. The first time G-G had seen Charlotte. I'm so glad she and Pam could come into Portland for this visit.

Friends don't let friends do Midol

5 Reasons I don't like Midol:

1. Midol: my-doll. how sexist is that? like only girls get dolls?!

2. Midol has a diuretic in it. and diuretics are the biggest word-cons in history. I used to think, before I had ever seen the word spelled, or heard what the definition was, they were actually things to magically help you d-i-e-t.

3. Midol has caffeine. This actually takes up two places on the list-

4. When I've got heaving cramps of doom, the last thing I want to do is to be hepped up on 5 million mg of caffeine, running around cleaning everything in sight. I want to be comatose, curled up on the couch with a blanky.

and #5. What guy/girl wants to have his or her girlfriend, wife, partner, free-basing with caffeine? because personally speaking, I can be a real bitch when I am feeling the menstrual spirit. Breaking the land-speed record for nagging and/or general rudeness is not something I want to be remembered for.

Maybe those year-round menstrual cycle blockers aren't such a bad idea after all??

love ya,
E

List #1

Today I:

1. had to make coffee twice due to the filter imploding on the first batch.

2. made my youngest daughter upset by forcing her to eat a green bean, one solitary
little green bean, even after it had turned to mush by her mulling it around in her mouth for 5 minutes.(and she still wouldn't eat the damn thing!)

3. bought a pendant and some beads to take up my long lost like of jewelry-making.

4. vowed to not eat salt and pepper kettle chips until I could control myself to only one small handful.

5. cursed the constant liquid deluge outside once or twice.

6. watched the HGTV dream home 2009 and lusted over Sonoma County, CA

7. only did one load of laundry

8. got the chance to play for a blissful hour and a half with my littlest little while daddy and sister were out.

Tomorrow's forcast: Rain, grumpy co-worker, and one headlight.

g'night!