life's hard. life's complicated. life is grand this way. really, if we all achieved equilibrium in our lives we would be...dead. that's right everyone. the concept of entropy, that life moves from order and structure to disorder and chaos means that we will strive all our lives either consciously or not, to live in some state of disequilibrium, imbalanced and imperfect. Whew! That takes a load off of my perfectionism to do list! But what it also forces me to come to terms with is my own ability to create more chaos than is necessary. Take my latest school debacle. So I decided, well meaning mind you, to go back to school, pick up some science credits, and get into a nursing program. yay you say! helping people! But sometimes we must first help ourselves before we can do a damn piddly bit of good in anyone else's life. School=too much chaos in my life! Shuttling the girls thither and yon, $3.11/gallon gas, stressing about not being able to wrap my head around all the damn vocabulary and scientific concepts, billion dollar book costs, not to mention daycare(yikes!!). So school=too much chaos which made me=crazy!
That leads me to my final thought and the reason for this blog-my brain hurts and I am not doing anybody and good by going back to school just to prove I'm not a fucking idiot! I will eventually go back to school to pursue further education in my field-psychology and human development. But I will wait. Like a good girl. I will stay at home and mother my two marvelous children. And I will not become frustrated and long for a different life while at home because I tried that out and it was not a good fit. For now. I will wait and bide my time and in a couple years when the girls are in school (which is just around the corner in case you were wondering) and then I will pursue more education. I am feeling better now that I've got this all out. I'm sure I'll pester my friends and family, asking them advice, mulling over this and that, but for the most part I feel cured of my higher learning wanderlust for now.
plus, I was beginning to miss Sesame Street, footie pajamas till 9am and watching my children just be.
2 comments:
your girls are good at footie pjs and talkin' up a storm. (they will be home so soon! and miss you like crazy.)
trust your gut. you will make the right decision.
You are courageous, Erin. It takes a whole bucket o' wisdom to come to your decision.
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