fear and loathing

maybe it was the panic attack just before midnight a couple weeks ago, maybe it's that I will be turning the tri-decade milestone next year, maybe it's the fact that I am completely neurotic and obsessive when it comes to the inner workings of the brain, my brain in particular. I don't know, whatever it was, I have been thinking about my own mortality a lot lately-specifically how I don't have any time to waste. I feel like I waste a great deal of time-on the the Internet, driving, sitting around being slightly depressed, thinking, judging, obsessing, etc. Most of my wasted time doesn't have a direct impact on other people, but to some degree it does. This makes me upset, and then I tend to sit around even more and get more depressed. Through and in this viscous cycle I find no relief, no mature way to handle things, just questions and nagging thoughts that bring no resolution.
I feel I have been taking steps to quell this subconscious desire to stagnate, some of them involving simply moving my feet forward and dragging the rest of me along. I remember a college friend telling me that sometimes the first step is taking a step. Simplistic? Maybe. But what it does for me is reminds me that sometimes you have to start with the most basic of functions in order to tackle the greater things looming in your life-like your calling, your purpose, your destination, etc. Sometimes I find that by breaking things down to an almost infant level, I can create something worth moving forward for.