sometimes we choose the wedding, sometimes we choose the funeral.
sometimes our backs are turned on what we should really be looking towards. breaking through the fog of our own delusions is often the most difficult barrier-glass ceilings be damned. where can I go with my life? why am I stagnating here? why don't I take risks? what are risks worth? where is the core of me? do I believe I have a soul? is that where "I" reside? or, like Freud, do I find myself split into three, with all the activity of my life focused in my head? I have spent too much time up there, in my head, trying to think it out, be rational, be judgemental and discerning.
I have been so angry lately, angry with myself mostly, for not taking chances, for regretting a large chunk of my life, give or take a degree or two. I think about my life and I laugh, that most of the lessons I learned only helped in hindsight, and most of the experiences I had I didn't really appreciate until years had gone by.
I am almost thirty and I have two wonderful children, a loving husband, a steady job, a nice car, a nice house, and a pretty sweet cat. What do I have to bitch about? well...
I want so much more. I want to live by the ocean and be outdoors every day. I want to have perfect skin and the perfect body. I want my children to have good teeth and good educations. I want my husband to be happy, to be healthy, to not have to struggle with diabetes and family grief every day. I want to have friends, people who really want to hang out with me and who share common interests, preferably people who have children and understand what it's like to have that be an all-consuming aspect of life. I want to go to really loud rock concerts and dance around like an idiot and not care what others think. I want to have a faith that doesn't make me sad. I want to bake a cake every week and give it to my neighbors. I want the wedding. I want the white, clean, fresh start. 
2 comments:
When you titled your post "oh to be frank," you weren't kidding. And, to be frank in return, I wasn't expecting such rawness; I didn't know how to react or what to say, so I did nothing. I did not call you to invite you to come play and be silly with me, or discuss books/music, much less to broach the subject of How You Are Doing. Partly, this is because some of what you ask resonates with me in a highly personal way, and I'm not sure I am ready to air my inner self in quite the same way. At this point, I guess all I can say is, you are not alone. Now let's find a time to play!
my dear, I would love to have a get together, no matter the conversation! I sometimes feel compelled to air things because they come spilling out of me. It is nice to know I am not alone, though, because sometimes that is all I feel.
And in the spirit of togetherness, I am going to call you tomorrow on my break and we are going to get together soon!
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