Tuesday, October 23, 2007

spilling some guts all over the floor

Haven't listened to Radio Dept. in a while, so I thought I'd give them a whirl on Itunes. While I'm listening I'll do a little self-loathing. I can't seem to shake this funk. Most of it's self-induced, but damn it, some of it seems to be coming from every which way. Like a little dwarf pelting me with apples, it's just on the periphery, and he's just out of reach. I have dealt with depression, mild and debilitating, for most of my life. I have also struggled with anxiety and had a nice run in with PTSD in my early 20s. That's not to say I am in the midst of full blown depression right now, but I'm getting close. I feel like crap, mentally and physically. I haven't been to the gym in a couple months-not that I think I've gained any weight. My face is broken out like a 14 year old adolescent. I am not sleeping well. I have intrusive thoughts. And to top it all off, I am broke and not a good student. Wow! What keeps me from letting myself go completely? A number of things. Things I won't discuss now. But let's just say right now I want to sit on the pitty potty and shit shit shit. Hmmm, I almost smiled saying shit that many times-in a juvenile way, you know? Okay, this doesn't have to make sense to anyone. Catharsis doesn't have to be a navigable concept for the reader-just go with it. I just wish I knew why these things were happening. I don't believe there is some spiritual force condemning me for my previous actions, nor do I think there's a karmic boomerang out there smacking me on the back of the head. Just for once I wish there was some nice soothing answer someone could give me that would explain it all and make me feel better. Any takers? No? That's okay, dear readers. I, who should know myself better than any of you, don't have an intelligent reason for any of the things going on right now. I just wanted to get it out there in the blog-osphere so I can try to rest my mind a little before tackling biology homework.

when what hugs stopping earth than silent is
-a poem by ee cummings, check it out.


ZERD said...

You are not alone in this. You are in the minds and hearts of your friends, a phone call or email away, even if you just need to scream for 10 minutes. OK?