one liners

"Mommy, my boo boo looks like bacon now."

"Mommy, I'm going to be really mad if you don't come up here and see my Sponge Bob Square Pants movie."(which by the way, we don't own...)

she's leaving home, bye bye

Warning: The following statements were written by a fatigued, overly-warm, slightly cranky, low estrogenized, slightly depressed me, not my normal, slightly less fatigued self...

I feel as if my children are slowly moving beyond my reach. I can remember all the nights and days spent nursing Charlotte, spending time with her, just breathing in her baby-smell. I remember, too, talking with Abigail all the time when she was a wee one, playing with her, giving her hugs. Now Charlotte won't let me hug her, doesn't want me to hold her, and basically ignores me as much as humanly possible. I don't have the time I would like to spend giving her more one on one attention because I work all the time and Abigail is definitely a high maintenance child in the attention/need to be challenged respect. And Abigail's perma-chatter is driving me crazy-I love her and the fact that she has more than mastered the English language, but her conversations border on the manic, especially when she feels you are not paying enough attention to her.

So, I am saddened by all this. I realize deep down that most of these thoughts are highly emotional, only slightly tinged with rational thinking. But I feel sad and not a bit lonely, nonetheless.

cyclops

cyclops: in this case a morphing of cycling and lopsided. This is the state I envision my small frame in as I careen down MLK blvd. to Broadway on my way to work. You see, the bicycle bug has finally infected yours truly. Portland is a wonderful place to ride a bike-not just for exercise and recreation but for commuting. Besides my minor rants against cyclists trying to abide by their own road rules but also adopt and adapt motor vehicle laws and in the process almost kill themselves and give me a coronary, I like watching all the little bipeds tootling around town. And let's face it, transportation ain't as cheap as it used to be.
In light of this and the fact that I really need to get some regular exercise, I have endeavored to find myself a junker bike to ride around our neighborhood on. I figure if I can ride around the block, up to the park and back again enough times, maybe I can lengthen the rides up to a suitable distance and test my physical abilities. If any of you have any suggestions, comments or otherwise, please feel free to express them. As I have not ridden a bike for any length of time in about 14 years, encouragement would also be welcome!
Thanks, and here's to your health!

Snapshots

Let's have a looky-loo

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about my motivations in life-why I do what I do. And I have come to realize that a significant portion of my life has been spent doing things for other's approval. If I thought someone else might think something would be a good idea well, then, I would go ahead. If I thought someone might judge my action as 'stupid' or 'weird' or 'boring', etc., I would hold off on making a move. Now I come to a place in my life, that being the beginning of my 30s and hopefully a place where I have worked up to a tad bit more maturity, and I can't do anything without analyzing why I'm doing it. It's narcissism mixed with a smidge of paranoia. Why do we act? What creates urges within us? My hope is that I can come out of this stage with a better understanding of myself. I don't really want to delve any more into my psyche, I just want to be able to choose between Our Daily Bread and Old Wives Tales without having a coronary. I know I am over analyzing things, but with a purpose. Let's call this time part one of me getting my act together so I can do things for myself and think more about my intent rather than if someone is going to give me a smiley or frowny face mark on the chalkboard.Part II coming...

oh they can, can they?

a couple quick things:

Charlotte the little spent her first night in her big girl bed, donated quite happily by her big sis. Abigail is now enjoying the fruits of IKEAs' wonderful selection of low priced bedroom furniture with a cute black wrought iron day-bed style. I could not believe it when Charlotte drifted off to sleep not 15 minutes after we put in her in her bed complete (of course) with baby doll and book. Not only was it amazing that she fell asleep so quickly, but that she trusted and relaxed so completely in a space foreign to her. It was an almost palpable intent with which she slept. I am blessed beyond knowing with her and her sister.

On a different note...My wonderful other half was explaining to Abigail a week or so ago that we could not go out to eat because we were trying to save money and that basically we didn't have the funds to spare at that time. Abigail looked perplexed but decided to ruminate on the news rather than get too upset.
So, fast forward a week and we have Abigail's follow up to this previous conversation. I was cleaning up around the house and she ran up to me all excited and put out her grubby little hand exclaiming, "Mommy, mommy, I found money! Now we can go out to eat!!!". What did her cherubic little hand hold, why, the estimated total of 75 cents in change from a previous vacuuming excursion. Her excitement was outdone only by my laughter. She's a corker, that one.

ps-we did end up going out that night.

-me

snapshot

Here is a synposis of the last two weeks as only I recall them:

food poisoning
Hellboy (twice)
home from work
packing
sweating
cleaning
watching my brave husband and kooky father (w/helpful friend Jim) move the entire contents of our house
learning hubby was in car accident
driving
viral infection
sweating and chilling
family visiting
fun times
gelato
more home from work
ding dong
comcast guy
internet is up!

more later.
-Erin

Canst thou cast out into the sea?

Today has been one of those days that will go down as completely topsy-turvy. It began with my taking a new route to work, which shaves around 15 minutes off my already pretty short commute. Good. However, I was following behind a NW Natural Gas truck when I saw a furry grey and white kitty dart across the street. I held my breath and waited for it to run around the truck but to no avail. It ran right between the front and back tires, hitting one of the tires. The truck drove off and I can only assume he didn't realize what happened because he put on his turn signal and drove quite civillaly onto another street. Well, I was horrified and distraught so I parked my beast of a Volvo in the middle of the road and ran over to this poor animal. She had tried to get up the stairs to someones' walk way but had obviously broken her leg. So she slumped down sideways and I watched, sobbing, as she died. I won't put all the rest of the details because they are not pretty but I will say that at least she had me to pet her little head as she looked out for the last time. Damn it, why do things have to die?! I mean, I know it's the cycle of life and that animals die all the time-but watching it and stroking its gentle fur while it takes its last breath is a completely differnet thing.
So after calling Zakk a zillion times, leaving a note for the poor neighbors and calling the humane society, I said a little prayer for it and drove off to work. I didn't know what else to do, I was pretty shocked.
After that horrific ordeal I get to work and Zakk calls with good news-the guy renting the cool Victorian is going to show us the house today! So I left work at lunch and realized that the house is a couple mere blocks from our old house on N Wabash! We toured the inside, walked around the backyard with its raised beds and nice carport, gawked over the beautiful English-style garden out front, and ran to my car to sign the application as soon as the tour was over! Keep your fingers crossed, friends, that this all comes together the way it's supposed to.
This was definitely not a normal day by any standard, but one I feel has been pretty productive nonetheless. Two things before I go, though. A small prayer for kitty, name unknown, and a small hope that the house issues work out.
peace,
Erin

Dimen

The digital camera has been on the fritz so I don't have any new pictures to post.

I have been tired beyond all belief upon arrival at home so no really insightful journaling to impart.

My brain has turned to mush after 4 years of child-rearing and no school to speak of-other than being schooled by my two wonderful children.

I did, however, come across an intersting interview with Amy Tan regarding the Dong people from Dimen, a village in southwest China. The Dong people have an amazing oral history, where the history of their people and their culture are passed down from the eldest grandmother to the youngest child. If you would like to see a lovely photo essay and more informatin about this intersting group of people you can find it, as well as the full article by Amy Tan on National Geographic's website.
I was amazed by the beauty of their land and their traditions. I am so used to looking at fashion magazines, popular television and movies that my idea of what is "beautiful" becomes skewed at times. When I see these people, the way they live, and listen to the open emotion and thoughtful insights that are woven into their music, I am reminded of what true artistic beauty is.

"Young children not only sing to greet but also talk about community and the changing of seasons. The song "Spring Is Here, Swallows Fly" talks about the shortness of childhood, using birds as a metaphor:

After winter we get spring / Swallows fly amidst green leaves / Cicadas sing on top of berry trees / High and low sounds fill the mountains / Cicadas' songs are so beautiful, let's stop and listen / You can hear the mountains and forests resounding / Even the birds would stop and listen / There is music, there is love / All four seasons are filled with happiness / We are happy in our hearts

Across the Dong culture, most of the songs celebrate the natural world."
Amy Tan Reveals Stories of Dong Folk Songs

billions of lightyears away

I have a lot of thoughts going through my head right now. Like why did it take a change in medicine to make me feel relief from the crippling anxiety I have dealt with my entire life? I don't blame anybody, not even myself, not even a god if he exists. I am more astonished than upset. For those of you who don't have an issue with anxiety, count yourselves lucky. I don't say that to be trite. I hope you never have to deal with that particular monkey on your back. The almost constant niggling thoughts, the obsessing, the intrusive second-guessing-it's a bitch to deal with.
I am still struggling with reaching out to people, even people I know well and care about. That hasn't much changed--working on it but it is slow-going. I'm not sure if someone asked me if I would be able to tell them what exactly I'm worried about when it comes to social interactions. It isn't that I don't like people. I either feel a strange complacency which then spills into a general feeling of anxiety and an inability to get motivated, or I create a sterile bubble around myself where others cannot and don't really exist. If that's too personal for anyone reading this, well, it is a "journal" so...

Other than this new self-discovery I don't have much else to report. I like this band I just stumbled onto-"She&Him". They make me think of "The Carpenters" with a little "Au Revoir Simone". I didn't realize it was Zooey Deschanel singing vocals till I looked them up on Merge Records. Take a listen if you like.

more later, friends.
-Eh