smaller than a breadbox

how much is enough? when is it time to call it quits? when do we surrender the feelings of justification mixed with rage, bewilderment, resentment and helplessness? years? decades? when someone moves away? when the other person says they're sorry? when they die? what does it take to forgive? and why did anyone ever tell us forgiving meant forgetting? they are not mutually exclusive, nor does one help alleviate the other in most cases. we use many resources to forget, alcohol, drugs, sleep, overeating, running away, writing, transference, to forget, but what resources do we call upon to forgive someone? Most of us, by nature, are not naturally inclined to forgive. We are selfish, we cater to our id, we blame everyone and every aspect of a situation in order to avoid any responsibility or actual justice being served. Why do we crave self-seeking behavior? why can't we release from the status quo our death-grip, instead choosing a banal half-fiction to further on and on.

who was it that said the truth would set us free? free from what? when the truth is spoken, or even thought in the dark recesses of vulnerability, what does it free us from? pain? not really. one can be just as mired in emotions before telling the truth to someone, especially truth in the form of forgiveness, because by its very nature we must tell the truth when forgiving, not fictionalize or marginalize events to serve our own needs.

just some thoughts...not done yet...

mmm hmmm

things I like: moms singing songs to their children.

things I don't like: moms(and everybody else) rushing out the day after Thanksgiving at 4am (yes, that's when some stores are opening) to gobble up those Black Friday savings.

things I like: my kids

things I don't like: kids in parenting magazines who look possessed and or like an alien

things I will always like: mom's stuffing because it has apples in it

see you in a few: the parents don't have a computer at their house, let alone Internet access!

fear and loathing

maybe it was the panic attack just before midnight a couple weeks ago, maybe it's that I will be turning the tri-decade milestone next year, maybe it's the fact that I am completely neurotic and obsessive when it comes to the inner workings of the brain, my brain in particular. I don't know, whatever it was, I have been thinking about my own mortality a lot lately-specifically how I don't have any time to waste. I feel like I waste a great deal of time-on the the Internet, driving, sitting around being slightly depressed, thinking, judging, obsessing, etc. Most of my wasted time doesn't have a direct impact on other people, but to some degree it does. This makes me upset, and then I tend to sit around even more and get more depressed. Through and in this viscous cycle I find no relief, no mature way to handle things, just questions and nagging thoughts that bring no resolution.
I feel I have been taking steps to quell this subconscious desire to stagnate, some of them involving simply moving my feet forward and dragging the rest of me along. I remember a college friend telling me that sometimes the first step is taking a step. Simplistic? Maybe. But what it does for me is reminds me that sometimes you have to start with the most basic of functions in order to tackle the greater things looming in your life-like your calling, your purpose, your destination, etc. Sometimes I find that by breaking things down to an almost infant level, I can create something worth moving forward for.

all I want this holiday season

Simple Gifts

'Tis the gift to be simple, 'tis the gift to be free,
'Tis the gift to come down where we ought to be,
And when we find ourselves in the place just right,
'Twill be in the valley of love and delight.
When true simplicity is gain'd,
To bow and to bend we shan't be asham'd,
To turn, turn will be our delight,
Till by turning, turning we come round right.


-Elder Joseph Brackett

things that go bump in the night

I have been apart from the rest of my family unit for a week now and I've done pretty well in this creaky house until tonight. I get home, take my "carrots" (really it was a hot fudge sundae) upstairs with the new Martha Stewart (so shiny), and settle down in the study to watch some mind numbing tv. The minute I sit down, though, I hear a huge crash and a thud. oh shit. oh shit oh shit. I don't have anything lethal with me except for a spoon and a bad case of onion breath. So I quietly creep downstairs, thinking it was probably the books I stacked up by the piano while cleaning earlier today. No, they are still intact. I stealthily go from room to room, as if there would really be anything wrong, and can't find a damn thing. So, being the conscientious woman that I am, I turn off all the lights downstairs and proceed to watch Flashdash and finish my ice cream(which I dribbled about half of on myself when I heard the noise, mind you.)
I just went back downstairs for bed and started to hang my coat up in the hall closet and found the perp-all the crap we've been placing strategically on the shelf in the closet decided to fall down and create a huge mess! I wonder if Martha has any great organizing tips for me...

the importance of just being

life's hard. life's complicated. life is grand this way. really, if we all achieved equilibrium in our lives we would be...dead. that's right everyone. the concept of entropy, that life moves from order and structure to disorder and chaos means that we will strive all our lives either consciously or not, to live in some state of disequilibrium, imbalanced and imperfect. Whew! That takes a load off of my perfectionism to do list! But what it also forces me to come to terms with is my own ability to create more chaos than is necessary. Take my latest school debacle. So I decided, well meaning mind you, to go back to school, pick up some science credits, and get into a nursing program. yay you say! helping people! But sometimes we must first help ourselves before we can do a damn piddly bit of good in anyone else's life. School=too much chaos in my life! Shuttling the girls thither and yon, $3.11/gallon gas, stressing about not being able to wrap my head around all the damn vocabulary and scientific concepts, billion dollar book costs, not to mention daycare(yikes!!). So school=too much chaos which made me=crazy!

That leads me to my final thought and the reason for this blog-my brain hurts and I am not doing anybody and good by going back to school just to prove I'm not a fucking idiot! I will eventually go back to school to pursue further education in my field-psychology and human development. But I will wait. Like a good girl. I will stay at home and mother my two marvelous children. And I will not become frustrated and long for a different life while at home because I tried that out and it was not a good fit. For now. I will wait and bide my time and in a couple years when the girls are in school (which is just around the corner in case you were wondering) and then I will pursue more education. I am feeling better now that I've got this all out. I'm sure I'll pester my friends and family, asking them advice, mulling over this and that, but for the most part I feel cured of my higher learning wanderlust for now.

plus, I was beginning to miss Sesame Street, footie pajamas till 9am and watching my children just be.

what?! but you're a girl!

so, I sort of had a bad day. the two biology classes went alright-my test grades are improving, and my professors haven't hurled anything at my head while in class which is always a plus. my chemistry class is another story, another world, another me. I find myself incapable of acting like the --year old I am, or with any of the strength and dignity I like to think I posses at most opportune times. Maybe it's the years of being passively and sometimes very directly put down by male teachers and professors of math and science classes. Maybe it's the fact that I haven't taken a fucking Chemistry class in 12 years, or maybe it's due to other circumstances that are personal and are taking their tole on my psyche. Whatever the case, I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread, and just trying to fulfill a promise I made to myself and my family to try something out in the hopes of bettering I and my family's life.
So stinky cheese man professor of chemistry as I shall now call him, gave me hell for not understanding some concepts as readily as he would have liked. I don't think I am mentally deficient in chemistry and the math that goes with it, but I do know about myself that it sometimes takes longer for me to grasp a concept, sometimes after several different explanations. I was not asking Prof. Stinky to "let me off the hook", or to coddle me or even cater to my inability to grasp something at mach speed. I just needed a little more of a constructive conversation than, "okay, what is it?" "+1, no, that's...what?! no!" what is it?!!" if you can't...have you even read the book? have you gone over any of the notes?!!" Meanwhile, I'm looking down at my book attempting not to cry like a girl, and nice class partner man is looking uncomfortable and sympathetic. All conversation then ended with Prof. Stinky turning his back on me, shaking his head, and me shoving my things into my bag and walking very briskly out of the classroom with sunglasses covering my weepy eyes. Pathetic, I know. But I can't help thinking he was a little unfair. I guess we'll see if he gave a shit about his performance or not on Thursday, class #2. Maybe I'll wear a more revealing shirt this time...

it just keeps getting better

first it was the "Fat Cobra" moving in to the NE neighborhood less than one block from an elementary school.

then Kitty's Lingerie Parlor burned down and is now returned to its origional glory on SE 82nd.

there's "Area 69", again on SE 82nd-that's a clever one.

now I'm driving down 39th toward Powell from my house and what do I see but another fine "adult" establishment called "Angel's Sensual Social Club".

I am not an expert in advertising by any means, and I've never actually been to an "adult" establishment, but I've driven by a fair few, and I think that a sensual social club takes the cake.

not really news worthy, but it made me laugh just a little, and that in and of itself is a rare thing these days...

Peter Pumpkin Head

Pumpkin Patch 2007

It was a blur, but I think it really happened. I remember putting a little rouge on the cheeks of my 3 year old, and settling the headband on my little one. Other than that there's just the occasional door bell and the sporadic sugar rush. Abigail sort of became an amalgamation of several characters, leaning most heavily in the "princess" direction. Originally we were fairy bound, but that's the mind of a 3 year old...Charlotte had no say so she was pretty easy to wrangle into a cow costume over her jammies. Zakk braved the cold and driving all the way to Beaverton to visit some friends, while I sat, a slave to the computer, working on a research paper.

Pumpkin Carvin' Time! (see how serious this child can be?!)

A fun time was had by all. Now if only I could stop eating the kid's candy!

java jive

Starbucks has been my semi-quiet refuge between classes this term. Normally there is a slow stream of customers, usually quiet, well-mannered folk, generally blue and white collars. There is usually a student or two, and on a rare occasion, some idiot talking as loud as possible about a work issue on his or her cell phone, two feet from the table where I happen to be sitting. Day after day it pretty much goes like that. Until today...I was sitting, drinking my grande americano with milk and I noticed an older gentleman, of African heritage, I am assuming, he had a dashiki on and a very colorful hat. Anyway, that's beside the point. He sat outside(it was rather chilly), and coughed a lot, before coming inside. I was sitting by the entrance which on one side has all glass panels. As the guy started to walk in he rapped on the glass by my head a couple times. I looked up, startled, and saw he was pointing at my coffee with a smile and making a grabbing gesture with his hand for the cup. I smiled back and mouthed, no, you can't have this coffee! He came inside and proceeded to stand by where I was sitting, pretending to take my coffee and then slipped a $5 from between his fingers and gestured at me as if to say "I will pay you for it". He was still smiling and joking, and I told him "no, you can't have my coffee. That wouldn't be very nice to take a poor girl's coffee! Give the barista your money and I'm sure she'll make you some coffee!" He smiled and laughed and then moved on to another table. The woman occupying this next table was engrossed in a legal pad and some papers. She was not paying attention to Mr. Man as he motioned at her coffee so her proceeded to pick up her iPhone and started to walk with it to see if she would notice. Remember, his hand was less than 5 inches from her arm but she didn't look up once. So he, laughing, walked back to her, tapped her on the shoulder and motioned at her phone as if to say "hey, dummy, you let me jack your $500 phone!" She took it back with a puzzled look on her face and said, "oh, thank you", as if she had dropped it or something. I don't know. It was all very bizarre. Then he sat down at the table across from me and motioned to the poor unsuspecting barista to come over to the table. She did and and he started speaking in a language none of us knew, gesturing to the coffee at the front of the store. The only word I could pick up was cafe, which in many languages means coffee. So after trying to understand him, the poor girl gets him a vente coffee for free. He isn't satisfied, though. He gestures at the carafes of milk and shoos the girl off to get one for him. She comes back, he motions for her to pour the milk for him, which she does. And then after a few minutes of her checking his face to see if he was satisfied, the barista goes back to her work and he begins to noisily slurp his coffee, all the while throwing out little bits of unknown language and laughing to himself.
I think it's safe to say that there is just something about coffee, people can't resist!